Magnet or Judge?

 I recently tripped across a message by a Rabbi Stirberg. He was discussing a hard truth to tell girls at age 13. And I have been thinking about it ever since.

He said to tell them they are not supposed to make themselves into a beauty queen and domestic goddess so that they attract a man. Rather they should be brought up to be a judge who can determine whether a man is worthy to be considered as a life partner.

What a great perspective.

A while back, on the show "Worst Cooks in America", a young woman contestant was there to improve her cooking skills so she could "catch her a man". I hadn't thought of her in a bit until I read the Rabbi's comment. 

As a young girl I too was told that no man would want me as a wife because [pick a reason] and that I needed to work on that "problem". As a teen friends teased me because of my weight, my long nails ["boys are afraid of your talons"], my acne, my loudness. And not just teasing - it was always tied to not having a boyfriend or my prospects for landing a husband. 

So now, as a woman married 52 years (yes - to the same man!) I look back at all the things I heard and have heard from others in light of Rabbi Stirberg. 

So what should we teach our daughters? That no one is good enough? That they should be snobby? NO!

We should give them the tools to judge between those who just want to date for fun and those who are looking for a serious relationship. How to discern between a man who will take them for granted and the one who will treat them respectfully. To be observant and weed out those who mean them harm.

We should teach them how to value themselves. Teach them they can be smart and capable and independent. That they are worth getting to know, worth the investment of time, worth marrying and committing to a lifetime together. And they should be raised not to make being married and having a family as the barometer of whether they are successful.

Of course living those lessons is also key. Show your daughters how they should be treated. Husbands should treat wives respectfully. Wives should live out those expectations. 

Wait though. This isn't just for girls - boys also need these lessons. They should also be taught how to grow as men - smart, using their talents, capable. Not every guy needs to be a physical fitness buff. Young men need to value themselves without conceit. They should be taught how to treat young women with respect and dignity, not as objects or servants.

Yes - parents should be teaching their daughters how to cook, clean, maintain the house, and be a good example. Parents should also be teaching this to their sons. Both men and women benefit from being capable and self-sufficient. 

They should also be modeling how to respect and appreciate their spouse. Both sons and daughters should see how families work together - how fathers cook dinner sometimes and how mothers can fix a leaky sink. 

I recall reading a story by a man who was divorced. Every Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and on her birthday he would get up very early, drive to his ex-wife's home, and help his sons prepare her breakfast. The previous weekend he would have taken them to the store to buy her a gift. "WHY?" he was asked. His answer sticks with me: "Because I want my sons to grow up knowing the right way to treat their wives. I made a mistake and don't want them to follow that." And as they get older and ask questions he answers them truthfully: "I didn't treat your mother the way she deserved." He doesn't say anything negative about her to them nor does he get them in the middle. 

 Should kids never see parents argue? Of course not! Because modeling how arguing doesn't ruin a marriage - how walking away is not a solution - is another lesson. They need to see how disagreements (even loud ones) are resolved and how a relationship continues afterward. I can look back and see all the mistakes we made as we raised our children, yet they didn't see either of us give up on the relationship. 

And of course, raising your children in a household where God is the head in crucial. All of it should flow from this order: 

1 - God,

2 - spouse

3 - children

4 - the rest of the world. 

Are we modeling these healthy behaviors? Are we raising men and women who will succeed not only financially but emotionally and spiritually, capable of healthy relationships?

Proverbs 22:6 advises "Train up a child in the way he should go;  even when he is old he will not depart from it."

I pray so.