Magnet or Judge?

 I recently tripped across a message by a Rabbi Stirberg. He was discussing a hard truth to tell girls at age 13. And I have been thinking about it ever since.

He said to tell them they are not supposed to make themselves into a beauty queen and domestic goddess so that they attract a man. Rather they should be brought up to be a judge who can determine whether a man is worthy to be considered as a life partner.

What a great perspective.

A while back, on the show "Worst Cooks in America", a young woman contestant was there to improve her cooking skills so she could "catch her a man". I hadn't thought of her in a bit until I read the Rabbi's comment. 

As a young girl I too was told that no man would want me as a wife because [pick a reason] and that I needed to work on that "problem". As a teen friends teased me because of my weight, my long nails ["boys are afraid of your talons"], my acne, my loudness. And not just teasing - it was always tied to not having a boyfriend or my prospects for landing a husband. 

So now, as a woman married 52 years (yes - to the same man!) I look back at all the things I heard and have heard from others in light of Rabbi Stirberg. 

So what should we teach our daughters? That no one is good enough? That they should be snobby? NO!

We should give them the tools to judge between those who just want to date for fun and those who are looking for a serious relationship. How to discern between a man who will take them for granted and the one who will treat them respectfully. To be observant and weed out those who mean them harm.

We should teach them how to value themselves. Teach them they can be smart and capable and independent. That they are worth getting to know, worth the investment of time, worth marrying and committing to a lifetime together. And they should be raised not to make being married and having a family as the barometer of whether they are successful.

Of course living those lessons is also key. Show your daughters how they should be treated. Husbands should treat wives respectfully. Wives should live out those expectations. 

Wait though. This isn't just for girls - boys also need these lessons. They should also be taught how to grow as men - smart, using their talents, capable. Not every guy needs to be a physical fitness buff. Young men need to value themselves without conceit. They should be taught how to treat young women with respect and dignity, not as objects or servants.

Yes - parents should be teaching their daughters how to cook, clean, maintain the house, and be a good example. Parents should also be teaching this to their sons. Both men and women benefit from being capable and self-sufficient. 

They should also be modeling how to respect and appreciate their spouse. Both sons and daughters should see how families work together - how fathers cook dinner sometimes and how mothers can fix a leaky sink. 

I recall reading a story by a man who was divorced. Every Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and on her birthday he would get up very early, drive to his ex-wife's home, and help his sons prepare her breakfast. The previous weekend he would have taken them to the store to buy her a gift. "WHY?" he was asked. His answer sticks with me: "Because I want my sons to grow up knowing the right way to treat their wives. I made a mistake and don't want them to follow that." And as they get older and ask questions he answers them truthfully: "I didn't treat your mother the way she deserved." He doesn't say anything negative about her to them nor does he get them in the middle. 

 Should kids never see parents argue? Of course not! Because modeling how arguing doesn't ruin a marriage - how walking away is not a solution - is another lesson. They need to see how disagreements (even loud ones) are resolved and how a relationship continues afterward. I can look back and see all the mistakes we made as we raised our children, yet they didn't see either of us give up on the relationship. 

And of course, raising your children in a household where God is the head in crucial. All of it should flow from this order: 

1 - God,

2 - spouse

3 - children

4 - the rest of the world. 

Are we modeling these healthy behaviors? Are we raising men and women who will succeed not only financially but emotionally and spiritually, capable of healthy relationships?

Proverbs 22:6 advises "Train up a child in the way he should go;  even when he is old he will not depart from it."

I pray so.

The Parable of the Pothos Plant

 We've all heard the parable of the mustard seed, right? Yet how many of us have seen a mustard tree in person? 

Most everyone has seen a pothos even if they don't know the name of this common houseplant. As I looked at the ones in my kitchen this parable came to mind.

In 1989 I took a new position with a company that had received a plant as an office-warming gift: a pothos wound around a lovely piece of driftwood. Eventually the plant was relegated to a windowsill out of view and out of mind. It had been left parched and ignored for a while when I arrived. I took it home because I wanted the piece of driftwood. After removing all the crispy leaves and vines, and gently pulling the wood out of the potting soil, I noticed there was still a small green stem at the base. Though not a green thumb, I decided to give it plant food and water and a little regular attention.

To my surprise, after only a week or so, it had begin to grow, and eventually a leaf formed.  Soon there were more leaves and it began looking like it would survive!

The pot went on my desk and no one could believe it was that old crispy plant. It continued to grow, and soon I was trimming it and re-potting those. By the time I left that office in 1998 there were "offspring" everywhere through the office, plus team members had taken some cuttings home. 

I too had taken newly-potted trimmings home, and when I went to another workplace a pot went there. Sixteen years later many cuttings had been rooted and flourished around that office, team members had taken pots and vases home, and I had even shared 16 feet of cuttings with a company across the hall. 

Right now there are 4 pots here in my home, and have shared many cuttings over the years... these need to be trimmed and the cuttings shared again.

How does this pothos become a parable? 

That tiny shoot of a plant, which might have been missed and tossed away, fought and survived. It needed some attention and encouragement, some food and water. And it has gone on to beautify offices and homes for 36 years. 

So does a small faith. Given encouragement by other Christ followers, fed by Scripture and guided by the Holy Spirit, that small spark of faith can have far-reaching blessings. First close by, and then as it is passed from one person to another through the years. 

Do you see someone with a little bit of faith? Either a new faith or one that has been neglected? Be an encourager.

Is your faith just beginning? Or perhaps it feels dried up? Look for people who can support you, and above all, turn to the Scriptures to feed you and lead you.

Have plenty? Be sure to share what you have in ways that bring faith and encouragement to others.

A small sprout of faith can grow with the right care.

What Mode Are You In Today?

 

Well I have been remiss in publishing the Wednesday Words! Sorry, Words fans.

Today I would like to talk about the word MODE.

This past week I have seen at least half a dozen posts on Facebook encouraging people to “just be yourself”. Just be the person you are and not try to adapt to the surroundings or change due to circumstances or similar advice.

To be perfectly honest, it annoys me.

We are called to adapt to the circumstances and surroundings. It doesn’t make us a different person or require being fake. It means using various parts of our personality and specific gifts.

Recently I purchased a new flashlight. By pressing the switch a successive number of times the light is bright, medium, or soft. By twisting the base I can change the beam from broad to focused. This changes the mode in which I am using it, yet it is still a flashlight.

Such is the case with humans.

We are all called to fill various roles in life, right? Child, friend, parent, sibling, spouse, employee, leader. We are still the same person.

Thus it is with various modes in which we are called to function: In a meeting we might need to be in executive mode or professional mode. With kids it might be parent mode. With friends it might be casual mode.

It is even reflected in the language we use: in casual mode we can use slang when hanging out with friends, whereas we should use proper words and sentence structure in professional mode when making a business presentation.

Yet in all of these places we can stick with our personality, our beliefs, our integrity. We simply adapt to the proper mode for the occasion. (Remember the scripture that says “…whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31)

Just like my new flashlight, sometimes you have to refocus your beam or adjust the level of your light, yet you can still be your true self.

What are the modes required of you today?

Don't Forget the Squats!

 Wednesday August 7^th 2024

What should I choose this week for our word? Nothing has really stood out for me except SQUATS.

Now before you think I am going to only talk about physical exercise, give me a minute.

It is true that I have been telling everyone that it is critical to do squats daily – after surgery I discovered how important because I could not bend over for a couple weeks; but I could pick up things after just a few days if I would squat. It’s a basic, foundational exercise; some personal trainers, who specialize in helping us “experienced” adults, even consider squats the single most important exercise we can do.  

So let’s apply this to other foundational things in life. Look at what is basic; what allows you to do other things; what allows you to build your skills.

In our professional lives there are classes and courses to give us additional information. College classes are even numbered to show you how they build on one another (Psych 101, 102, 103; Calculus 101, 201, 301). There are advanced business courses and degrees which allow us to add to our already-accumulated knowledge, and training programs that allow us to elevate our skill levels.

Yet it is most important to begin at the beginning – with the basic foundations like high school Psychology and Algebra I.

In our spiritual lives there are also building blocks: intentional daily time with God – talking with Him and listening to Him (remember that listening part – it’s very important). Intentional daily time reading the scriptures and asking Him “What are You saying to me? What are You asking me to do?” These are the building blocks of our faith. There are also extra ways to add to our faith skills: pastor’s sermons, Bible study groups. There are courses at a seminary and books by learned theologians.

Yet again, it is important to start with this basic step: spend quality intentional time in prayer and scripture. This is the single most important thing you can do to build a strong faith in God.

And don’t forget to do squats!

Be appreciative

 

Wednesday July 31^st 2024

July has been an interesting month, as I have had surgery and therefore forced to be in rest and recovery mode. As we finish this month, I am thinking that my word is APPRECIATION.

Not one to sit about and be waited upon, I greatly appreciate the generous people from our church who made and delivered dinners for us for two weeks. It has been humbling to receive such caring. Often I tell others that allowing others to serve us allows that person to serve. It is quite different to be on the receiving end of one’s own advice.

I greatly appreciate all the extra household “stuff” that my husband has handled over these past weeks. He still has to do some tasks until I am able to lift heavier things and until my stamina fully returns.

There is also a greater appreciation for the daily things we usually do for ourselves: getting a cup of water, preparing a meal, answering the door, even washing up and changing clothes. It has also given me a greater appreciation for those who spend their days helping those for whom these things are always a challenge; caregivers whose days and nights are consumed by doing the little things for someone unable to do for themselves.

Scripture tells us “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV) Note it does not say give thanks for all things – it says in all circumstances. Even while you are being wheeled into surgery, while you are recovering, while you are being served when you would prefer to serve – even during those times give thanks. Appreciate the surgeon and nurses, the people who have come to serve dinner or bring flowers, even the time you can sit back to read and nap.

And while I am at it – I appreciate all of you who have read this far. You are a blessing.

Competence

 

Wednesday Jun 19^th 2024

There have been several deep conversations that bring me to today’s word: COMPETENCE.

First, there have been conversations about graduates – they are out looking for jobs and trying to get “the dream job”. Yet they are finding that employers want them to start at the bottom – which is, by the way, where (IMHO) one should start. Learn all the things and the stuff and gain competency and experience along the way.

Then there are conversations about those of us on the other end of the journey. We need to share our competency – our knowledge and experience – with those who have not yet traveled as far. What good is all this accumulated knowledge if we keep it to ourselves? It is meant for sharing!

Most importantly have been conversations about faith. Is it meant for sharing? Or to “keep it personal”? (Here’s a hint – share it!) And in sharing, does one (do I) need to know absolutely everything? (Another hint – the answer is “no”.) By studying, by praying, and by listening to the stories and experiences of those who have traveled farther we gain competence.

In all of these instances, we gain competence by being a student and we share competence by being an example. And with competence comes confidence!

A few stumbles along the way, a fair number of boring classes and meetings, and more than a few course corrections are all expected on the journey to competence in whatever area of your life. Yet there is no substitute for experience – trying, doing, falling, failing, starting again, watching the example of those ahead, reaching back to help those following - to achieve competence (and confidence).

Begin the journey!

Blame vs Accountability

 

Wednesday June 12^th 2024

Some weeks just seem to have a theme. This week’s theme is BLAME.

On Sunday we read the Genesis story of Adam and Eve eating from the tree from which they were told not to eat. Each one placed blame on the next: Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent. No one took responsibility for their own actions. (See Genesis 13)

How many of us, when something happens, place the blame on someone – or something – other than ourself?

One of my common ones in the past year or so has been the typing of a wrong letter on my phone. Truth be told, it is my “fat fingering” and not the fault of the phone or even auto-correct. In fact, my phone will no longer correct some of my common mistakes! Yet I often say “stupid phone” or “annoying autocorrect” when those mistakes appear.

So, in balance, I would offer you a better word for this week: ACCOUNTABILITY.

Let’s make a conscious effort to accept responsibility for our actions, make corrections, request forgiveness when necessary, and step away from the blame game. Be an example to others as we live a lifestyle of accountability.